As difficult as tonight was...
I came to the conclusion.
I'm okay with it. I had to force myself but I've learned to accept it. I did for 3 and a half years... I can do it for longer if not forever.
Yeah, it's going to be hard when everything I think, say and do is in his interest... but I've learned I can cope.

The fact that you still feel you can tell me things... means we're heading back on the road we came from.
Who knows... maybe it wasn't supposed to happen. Every part of me and my heart tells me somethings yet to come... but again... I have to remember it's not in my hands anymore. I had one chance and I blew it... so if a second chance happens to present itself... I won't let it slip away.

Until then I want your friendship... or at least the person I can talk to back... cuz that whole sanity issue is going to have me a mess soon.
This staying in the house in my room for hours and hours and hours on end is going to be bad.

Well as most of you would seemingly know (that or I just hide it really well) I've been in a horribly depressed mood. The only difference between my mood, and anyone elses mood... is I hate being the person who's... grumpy. Thus... I'm always happy. ALWAYS. It's especially at these times that I hate it... but I always feel so guilty bringing down other people into my problems... especially when they've been on going for quite some time.

Back to the original part of this story... this weekend has definately lightened me up... a little.
Friday was Evan's birthday, and boy what a birthday that was. Needless to say bowling was fun... the needing Aaron to help me walk out of the alley and out of his car into Liz's was generally enough to get the point across that I was sufficiantely hammered. Trumps all other drunk times before that's for sure. The thing was I drank for the completely wrong reason. Those who were there and whom read this understand why. The bowling aspect of it was entertaining to say the least, running into our old Church youth group... that was slightly awkward considering our state of mind. Running into Chad who was solely convinced I was making a mistake getting into a car with Aaron... there's really just so much I wish I had said that I could blame on the booze later... you know? So after bowling and driving WAY too fast for my liking to Liz's house... we go to watch a movie. I end up downstairs and long story short completely spilling my guts (not literally) to Kayla, because for some reason her advice has always seemed a little more substantial and sounds then anyone elses. Especially in area's of the heart. So I talked with her for a bit (Thank you very much Kayla) and Liz and Janine come down... and start getting more and more upset. Then, Janine thinks it's the brightest idea to go to a house party on DeGeer so we decide to go... when I get a phone call from Alex & Jordan. So I met up with them (Alex... I actually think you broke a rib or something when you tackled me in the street haha) and ended up cruising with them, Kayla and Janine for a while. Went for a ganter around some lake haha and then took the girls home. Then the remainder of the night consisted of climbing some school (I still can't believe I did that) and rendevousing with Dusty and Aaron (whom prematurely left to take care of his girlfriend... without even saying goodbye).
Then the next morning I worked.
And we had that storm.
Aka. The tornado that came through the mall and blew out every second cars windows and bent the shit of the McNally sign. Pretty scary stuff if you ask me! The sound of the wind is something I never want to hear again in my life.

Saturday night I do nothing... because I don't want to do anything.

Sunday I sat at home and did nothing but read old emails and conversations from particular people. (Not a good idea... might I add)
Then I went out for a drive with Kaylee. Then I came home and watched a movie.

Today I did nothing... I sat at home and did nothing. But I did sit outside for a while and got the slightest hint of a tan... which is pretty exciting.

Tomorrow is going to be even better.
Cuz I'm doing nothing (except perhaps coffee with someone or something) and going to work merely to pick up my pay stub. Boo yeah.

I'm in a bit better of a mood... but there's just constant flashes of reminders that absolutely tear me apart.

The last point of the day I'll make is experiencing the coolest feeling. This is the feeling of talking to someone you haven't spoken to in years (whom perhaps was a best friend a long time ago) and it's like nothing has changed, and time has not passed. Shayla and I got talking today via facebook and it was like we've never been apart. Too awesome. Hah she even invited me to come and stay with her! Sweetness!

But I need to get some sleep so I'm going to put the laptop down for the evening.
Goodnight everyone.

Received: Wednesday May 9th, 2007


Now I've seen balls before... and this my friends is the cherry on top. This so called 'man' is dating Janine and I have never seen Janine more miserable in the 12 years I've known her. It's come to the point that she's convinced herself that this is something, this asshole, is something she can settle for because 'life won't throw anything better my way'. Excuse me? Some dick like this kid, who forgets to call you, who hangs out with his EX more then he hangs out with you, who on their first date lays flower petals in a hotel room and gives you diamonds (sweet yes... for a long term ANNIVERSARY) not a first date. He's merely buying her and she can't see happiness past it. I'm sorry but the guy is a dick to me, and he has made Janine cry more times then I'd ever like to see. So, I call bullshit. This guy is trying to weasel his way out of the doghouse. But there is no way in this world I will let him out. Unfortunately no matter what Liz or I say, Janine in the end has to realize that you don't settle for just "OK". You settle for something more.

For reference... I found this song to suit her EVERY situation:

Into You - Carolyn Dawn Johnson.

I strongly advise listening to it.
Other then that... I work in 5 hours. Yuck.
Night all.

To Alex & Jordan,

That visit was way past due. I'm happy I got to hang out with you guys tonight.
Even though you did have your... 'miserable' moments lol.

Fast Update:

• I worked solid from the 19th till the 25th. It sucked... but it's money.
  
• Sean was here from the 26th until the 29th. I missed him so much it was unbelievable. There was a lot of fun stuff done and said. Good times were had by all (Haha even me... perhaps a little too much fun!) And I'm so happy he came out.
• Worked a bit...
  
• Bought some rollerblades.
• Hung out with Liz/Jordan a lot.

Other then that. That's it.
It's still dull...
But at least I'm still alive! Woo!
<3