I wish I could write some kind of an acroamatic entry (English meets Philosophy word, deal with it... or look it up if you must) but to be honost? There hasn't anything been anything worth putting forward.
It would simply bore you all to death.
Mind you, coffee with Kate was highly enjoyable... definately what I needed that night.
I was supposed to go on Kayla's pubcrawl... but I just didn't feel like it (Janine's will have to suffice lol) and I got a new cell phone.
That's right... I have a new phone. No more 'ghetto phone' for me! Woot woot!

Other then that?
I won't share. Not worth it. It's a journal entry (not that any have been before lol)
So... later days I suppose!

Download

Finish What You Started - Van Halen

This song is so me? It's ridiculous. It sums up my childhood and my present. God it's such a great song. Playful, yet meaningful. Boo ya.

In regards to the entry below...
I remembered how to cry.

I also remembered how to read, and reading those letters and conversations truely gave me thanks for even getting to know you.
I will hold them with me forever... because you really showed how much a simple act can influence someone... and I'm so proud that I was a part of it.

Thank you.

***

Work, 1 until 10. The coffee with Kate. Yay. Then bed. Cuz I'll be tired lol.

Before I say anything about the real depth of this entry...
I just want to share with you the fact that world, in fact is very unfair.
On the 22nd of October, a student whom I graduated, Gaelen Locke was killed in a car accident. Now... I really never spoke to him, but the fact that someone so young was taken away so god-damned quickly.
It was only then I really realized how hard Byron's passing hit me.
Right now? I've walled it up again...
But earlier I was a mess.
I will write this in simple form.. because I don't want it brought up again;
Byron, was a very very close friend of mine. He praised me for bringing him closer to his religion when he needed it the most... it helped him talk with his father, it helped motivate him. I have letters upon letters of him thanking me and telling me how much I meant to him. For heaven's sake... I almost dated him.
Ask me why I didn't.

Because yet again I was too afraid... stupid me got trampled on without even knowing it... believe me. But it's that exact situation. I'm too relationship retarded to see when I have a good thing. You really.. have to spell it out for me. Straight up lol just ask Nathan. Haha.
Anyways... so that for some reason really really bothers me. And the final I question I will leave you with in the sparatic and sincerely over-emotional I can hardly speak straight state;

Why do the good die young?
Why do the good die at all...

If anyone truly knows me, they would know I pride myself on being optimistic and satisfied. Unfortunately I've come to terms that it's all merely an act.
Now, I will indeed give you a moment to let the disbelief set in, that everything I stood for was a scam. However I will throw you for yet another loop and say; "I, Jamie Shail, have the utmost faith and confidence in those who surround me; it's the optimism for myself that I lack." Unfortunately, I even try to fool the inner me; convince myself I'm not aching or I'm not livid at the world. From all those realizations, a wave of disappointment rolls on, and so on and so forth.

Mind you, usually this is only temporary ; A moment really, like a grain of sand in an hourglass, that everything seems to capsize like an emotive tsunami, ripping the air from my lungs so that I may drown in my sorrows.

Well, today I got my first breath of fresh air.

It occurred in the oddest of surroundings for an emotional enrichment; Work. Things were hectic, customers were rude and obnoxious etc. when I was suddenly graced with a glance of hope, of happiness in its purest form; Through the eyes of a child, merely four years old.

Noah, as I soon found his name to be, uplifted me like nothing else. You see, this very child was in a motorized wheelchair, his legs obviously victim to paralysis. From what? I will never know.

He merely "stopped by to say hello." For some peculiar reason at that moment, the chaos of the store died and I got to talk to Noah while his mother shopped for a winter jacket. Not may words could describe Noah, but his heart and beautiful outlook on life inspired us all at the cash desk. He didn't seem to mind he had a disability, it didn't hold him back; he was just a kid, who was convinced he could beat me in a race.

He did of course.

To him? Nothing was out of the ordinary, he wasn't different or strange because of his wheelchair, he was the same as you or I; an outlook we should all share.

After our twenty minutes of conversation and laughing and our farewells had come and gone, I began to think of how extremely fortunate I was. I have a mother, and a father, we can afford two pets we wanted, a roof over our heads, food on our plates, even something as simple as two working legs.

Because of this, I felt utterly ashamed for being remotely pessimistic towards the world just because some friends are going through some things, personal relationships are non-existent or that our world's moral and selflessness is going down the hole. Noah is four and in a wheelchair. Can anything really compare?

I saw optimism, a glimpse of prosperity and true happiness for the world. And all I can really say is this; I will no longer wallow in my minor troubles. I will ponder them and move on. Life's too short to fall victim to drama and distress. The next time my pity rises up, I will just have to think of Noah, and I will most certainly, be humbled.

Here's a thought kids: Do you ever feel like there's someone inside of you just waiting and wishing to break-free? Now before you get too much into this... I'm not completely referring to a downright different, mulitiple personality type situation...
Hmm...
What's the best way I can describe this...

I feel like I'm myself. Hell... I know I'm myself. I don't change for anyone or anything. If someone doesn't like who I am? They can deal with it. I've always been very true to that feeling. But back to the matter at hand... I feel sometimes... I'm almost held back because of my past. Yes, sure in the past I was an ugly, homely kid with glasses that ate her face and bangs that started at the back of her head. But I was happy.
Now? Well now I just lost the bangs and glasses lol. But I keep getting the feeling sometimes I'm judged because of my past... I wasn't a daredevil when I was young. I never really fit in somewhere, I was very much an outcast who didn't delve into typical youth activities. Mind you in the same sense I wasn't cut off from it either. I had a healthy balance. (And I'm such a thrill seeker now... seriously) But because during highschool I was never really comfortable with going out to parties... (mind you I was never really given the oppertunity: but that never ever bothered me) etc. So when things like me having a drink, going out to parties, doing something out of the norm of 'Jamie'... I feel as if I'm being judged in the wrong.

That's the best way I can put it really.
I still won't change who I am... but it would be really nice if someone presented oppertunities to me... with a different scene to life. I need a seperate place that I don't feel judged.
Now there's another point behind this. When I met Sara... as I have always said... we just clicked. If I'm wrong haha Sara tell me. But she was that key to another side to me... you just let me in to your group of friends so willingly (haha minus the fact that I know SOME of you thought I was obnoxious hehe) but you guys couldn't judge me because of my past. And I got to know some amazing people! Every single one of you are awesome! And to me? That was the most beautiful gift I could have ever gotten. You didn't know what I had or hadn't done and it simply didn't matter. You judged my character (after you got to know me haha).

So more or less... this is a thank you. For letting me know what it's like on the other side of the spectrum... I actually owe you guys a lot for letting me feel a little more carefree. I can't really explain how... but believe me... it's true.

PS. Your comments on my last post? Haha thanks guys. I'm glad to hear that the North End loves me. I love the North End back just as much and I'm not sad anymore. lol.

On a final note... I apologize for the gibberish that might come out of this. I worked a 10 hour day on 3 hours of sleep. I'm uber tired so... gimme a break <3

PPS. I'm so slightly ticked that I didn't get my phone call for a 2nd night in a row... wtf mate... gimme a call! I miss you like nobody's business!!

All I have to say is...
I'm glad we're taking the high-road...

Too bad you had to do this... I thought we meant a little more to you...
How sad...

---------------------

And if you ever do find this place again?
Just know...
I'm not the one that deleted me off of MSN am I...


I'm going to bed. Not only am I sick, I'm sick and tired of all this shit and drama.
I'm so through hurting because of it.

Okay.
I work tomorrow.. ie: I open tomorrow and work till 5. Holy shit... I'm gonna be zonked.
I have thursday off... lunch with Kurt and Janine. That should be pretty rad.
Friday? Work 1 till 10. Whatever... I have the weekened off.
Then I work solid all next week.
Then... in 13 days... I do believe it's my birthday! BOO YA! Haha even though technically that doesn't mean anything to me... cuz of the lack of drinking...

But in the same sentence.. that doesn't change the fact that people I know and hang out with do!
So perhaps... just perhaps... I could have a good 27th or 28th evening? I'd like it... Lemme know kids... hahaha you're the ones with the know-how.
But there will be a rule or two:
1) No buying me drinks. If I don't want em? I won't drink em.
2) I will not be getting drunk either... period lol.

But that doesn't mean I'd love to go out and have a blast with you guys!
So lemme know mkay! (I suppose this is mainly directed towards the north-enders... fyi)

On another note: I'm working on Sara's blog. It's gonna be fricken awesome... and you'll all be jealous of our cool looking blogs.
So... here's the other thing.
When I finish Sara's... I'm making another one for myself... but after that... I suppose... if anyone else wants me to make em one... lemme know and I'll see what I can do.

Other then that?
I need sleep! I'm up at 6! (I know I work at 8... but I move like a turtle in the morning... seriously takes me an hour to eat so...)

Nighty night!!
Thanks for the visit today Sara!!! It made me happy!!! =)

This is simply in regards to the post two days ago...

Everyone has something that they are passionate about. And I mean so passionate that they would do anything to protect it, save it, preserve it... would you die for it?

The other day, something inside me snapped... and I've decided I have to do something about this whole clearcutting issue going on around Minaki.
Minaki is the place and thing I am most passionate about... I would live there... I will die there. My family, my friends, everything I know from there needs to be protected... and what with Weyerhaeuser coming in and destroying over 4 million hectares of land... there won't be anymore boral forest left in Ontario.

Did you know that the Ontario/Manitoba boreal forest is the third largest forest system in the world? Next to the Russian forests and the freaking Amazon rainforest?
I can't get into it much now... I work tomorrow... early.

But what I will say?
That I will put myself on the line for this... to protect this thing and place I love so dearly.
I will go to jail, be arrested... whatever it takes.
And as far as what snapped?
I'm not afraid anymore...
That's why I know I can do this.

So...
Minus the fact I haven't seen my friends for a long period of time in about a week... because I work, come home, eat and sleep on a regular basis.

But I'm happy.
I finally got the hang of things at work... I only have to ask the odd question because I want clarification.. not cuz I'm a complete retard.

The people there are wicked... my manager Kris is just awesome... the sales reps are all cons and amazingly sweet and genuine people, and the other cashiers are just as wicked... and even more so because they've been so patient with me.

I actually love going to work!
YAY!
But I need to go to bed... I work at 8 tomorrow so... bedtime for Jamie!
I'll rant more later lol.
Ps. Janine is a fabulous massager... my legs feel awesome lol.