Month and half...
To persue or not to persue...

I think what i'm most scared of, is how much I don't really feel sad about leaving things behind...

And why can't I admit that out loud...

Love Always,
Jamie xoxo

The Last Goodbye - James Morrison

I don't believe you
And I never will
Oh I can't live by your side
With the lies you've tried to instill
I can't take anymore
I dont have to give you a reason
For leaving this time
Coz this is my last goodbye

It's like I hardly know you
But maybe I never did
It's like every emotion you showed me
You kept well hid
And every true word that you ever spoke
Was really deceiving
Now I'm leaving this time
Coz this is my last goodbye

I've gotta turn and walk away
I don't have anything left to say
I haven't already said before
I've grown tired of being used
And I'm sick and tired of being accused
Now I'm walking away from you
And I'm not coming back...

----------------------------------------------
It's time for some changes... this is no longer what I wanted.
----------------------------------------------

Love Always,
Jamie xoxo

One year older...

None the wiser...

Was it too much to ask?
Apparently it was.

I've got to make some really hard choices...
Or just scramble my brain and start all over again... I don't want to remember anymore... I don't want to feel anymore...

Love Always,
Jamie xoxo

I'm at a loss right now.
I keep waking up feeling that something should be different... something or someone should be there. It all feels so... unfulfilled.

I've become a drone though life... and I'm sick of it.
When's it gonna be my turn? I think it's certainly far passed due...

Love Always,
Jamie xoxo

"It's not you, it's me.."

Stereotypical quote from a stereotypical girl.
But for once, it's true this time.

Get out of my head, and stay out.


Love Always,
Jamie xoxo

"When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun.
Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious.
You could break a bone or a heart.
You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because
there's not always someone there to catch you.
And in life, there's no safety net.
When did it stop being fun and start being scary?"

So then what I'm experiencing is right smack dab in the middle of being young and growing up... because every part of me wants to leap, but i fear the fall...

Love Always,
Jamie xoxo

Turn the final page, here comes alone again.
Cuz everything's broken, everything's vacant,
everything's wasted time again.
Sentiments, hopeless, innocence, jaded,
everything's wasted time again...

So what do you do, when you no longer see beauty in the things you do, when the world seems grey and you've lost the faith in humanity you once had...

Love Always,
Jamie xoxo

Why is it when you aren't looking for something, you end up find everything you wanted.

When you're looking for something you can't seem to find it.

Is there a law that can explain this? Like 'opposites attract' or 'it's always in the last place you look'?

When it comes to things like that... I've found that just as you're on the mere breaking point of forgetting something and moving on... reality has a way of smacking it right back into your face full force. A week ago I would have thought I was crazy... but today I write this a changed person. I'll put this into better words later but...

This was the last place I'd ever look...

Love Always,
Jamie xoxo

This could be a double edged sword.
But something is always better then nothing...

Right?

Love Always,
Jamie xoxo

"Where are the hopes, where are the dreams, my cinderella story scene..."

My dream last night spoke it all. I told you everything, I spilled everything, I cried, I screamed, and I kicked a vases' ass. All in all, I feel so much better about everything and I don't really care anymore! Have a great life, because frankly, you deserve it.

I'm good again.
Plus, a raise? Sweet fuckin deal.

Love Always,
Jamie xoxo

1. First thing... I'm about ready to jump off a cliff. My emotions are so random lately i'm starting to scare myself. I burst into tears for no reason at work today.
2. Things are going pretty shitty to say the least (that may explain the tears haha) but i'm hanging in there..... for now.
3. My urge to travel just keeps getting bigger and bigger
4. And finally... APPARENTLY a smokin gay guy used to have a crush on me. Sweet deal hahaha apparently that's my thing =P

Love Always,
Jamie xoxo

TWO
THREE

-- Jamie

"I can't make any promises because I die a little
every time I have to break one to you :("

Hahaha that's why you're one of my best friends. I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU!!!! Play nice with my friends lol.

Love Always,
Jamie xoxo

"I'm just sitting here waiting for the sun to shine again,
And now I understand,
The workings of a troubled mind again...
In an instant replay that plays over and over again
Inside my mind, Not a big surprise I'm here again..."

Based on recent events I've deemed myself (for now) incapable of sharing my feelings towards other people. I will tell you why in a moment, but I figured while I'm in the frame of mind I'm in, I will share with you 50 things that you may or may not know about me...

1. I fear pity. Yup. This is the most major reason I don't open up to people, because I'm afraid of them feeling sorry for me and that is something I will do anything to avoid. I fear I show vulnerability which in turn would make the person feel sympathy. Something I do not want.

2. I fully believe in fate, destiny, chance, serendipity. I never used to but everything really does happen for a reason... if we realize it right away or not. Though I know it certainly hinders some of my life choices and such, I will always put my faith into it.

3. I'm constantly looking for a way out; and by this I mean I always feel the need to move, to change, to grow, to expand as a way to separate myself from the world I'm in.

4. Clowns, jesters and mimes will ALWAYS scare the snot out of me.

5. There is only two people in this world that know the true me and unfortunately one of them is myself. The beauty of this was the fact it was by accident... they figured me to a t, and all I could do was nod and smile sheepishly.

6. I think the greatest make out song is 'Since I've Been Loving You by Led Zeppelin'. You should try it out sometime.

7. I am secretly probably the most insecure person you'll ever meet.

8. I am extremely volatile and extremely vengeful.

9. I'm scared to death to know my Mom may not make it to my wedding.

10. There is at least 70 places in this world that I want to and will travel to in my lifetime.

11. I actually despise most children. Some are great... others, I want to strangle.

12. I'm a hopeless romantic, and dumb as a post when it comes to relationships. I'm just a good liar when I sound like I'm giving good advice. (Although ironically it usually is good advice... I just can't apply it to my own life)

13. I will always have my Uncle Roy's bear near me when I sleep.

14. Speaking of sleeping, for the last year and some I haven't gone to bed before 4. (I have been known to fall asleep before then but I'll wake up and be up for a long while after).

15. I love to people watch, and could probably do it all day.

16. Nothing is hotter about a guy then his ability to laugh at himself.

17. I've always said I'm anti drug, however if given the opportunity... I actually think I would try em.

18. I will always give you the last piece of cake. (Metaphorically and sincerely speaking)

19. The Internet and MSN is the greatest form of communication when you can't get the right words out in person. Hence why I save all the important conversations and re read them sometimes.

20. I've certainly had my heart broken, but I will always care about the person... I've just lied and said I don't because I know better.

21. My ideal guy is exactly who my boss is. (No jokes... he's my ideal personality and whatnot... what are the chances lol)

22. My greatest date was still with a "gay" guy lol. Shitty.

23. There is nothing more beautiful then the night sky when you're with someone you care about. I'm all about the magical elements.

24. The heavier music, the better. Loud, obnoxious... I'm a huge fan of it. No one else could get me to enjoy it until I started working at Sport Chek lol. Thanks Kris.

25. I know it sounds morbid and horrible... but I've always had the feeling that I'm going to die young. Weird huh.

26. I could live contently on a deserted island for the rest of my life. Yeah it would suck at moments but I could so live away from society.

27. I'm a sucker for a guy with tattoos. Duh.

28. I fully believe there are influential people who have been in our world that have been a little bit of God... just to influence. Think guardian angel without being restricted to one person. Think, Martin Luther, Gandhi, John Lennon. They influenced the world for the better.

29. Though other languages fascinate me... they also scare me. I hate when people speak another language in front of me. I find it very rude.

30. I often day dream about worst case scenarios... like getting in a car accident, someone coming to the mall with a gun, someone hijacking a plane and wondering if I could do something to prevent casualties or survive.

31. I hate my moles.

32. I can usually tell how genuine a person is by their eyes.

33. I've been electrocuted twice, once by sticking a fork in a socket and second by a spark plug on a water pump engine. Lost feeling in my arm for about half an hour.

34. I've been in 4 potentially life threatening situations.

35. Water sports just generally scare me. I'll try them... but I'm terrified of water sports. Except tubing. Weird.

36. I LOVE only sweet yum yum pickles... but hate every other kind... as well as cucumbers.

37. I have Cassiopeia on my arm. Moles.. shaped like a constellation.

38. I will become Katherine Heigel's character in 27 dresses. I'm pretty confident in that.

39. I owe my entire emotional sanity and so much more, to a person I don't even know exists.

40. It usually takes me a week to go into the water at the lake... the big fish sometimes freak me out and I have to condition myself.

41. I often see if I can find a clue that will tell me if I have some mental or medical disease just to explain some of the emotions and thoughts that I go through, as if I'm looking for an excuse for my actions.

42. I read the things people have written on my door and on my Minaki sign nearly every day at some point, and they always give me a confidence, ego boost or just a smile.

43. In case you haven't figured it out... I'm still comma happy to this day.

44. I don't want to be overly successful. Just to prove a point to my Grandma.

45. I hope that when I get old... I mentally lose it. I could never handle being unable to do things merely because my body aged quicker then my mind. It would be too frustrating.

46. I find the sounds of traffic and sirens soothing when I sleep in Winnipeg.

47. I've been stuck in mud up to my legs and couldn't get out. Someone had to help me.

48. I fall or hurt myself at least once a day.

49. I'm still afraid of the dark and the basement sometimes.

50. Styrofoam packing... those little pieces? I hate the sound of them. Ew.

So that's all I could think of for now... if you have any more questions.. feel free to ask. Though you'll have to catch me in either a good mood... when I'm intoxicated... or sometime when I generally feel like telling you... again... deals with secret number one.

Love Always,
Jamie xoxo

Don't be surprised if you see spelling mistakes or my sentences don't make sense.
I'm sitting here with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine and I'm thinking. VERY dangerous combination.

I've screwed up. Major. When I can have a few drinks and immediately feel sorry for myself and what I've really done with my life, the choices I've made. You know something is wrong.

Perhaps this is my drunken stupor talking but all I can tell you is this.
One: Since I lost something in my life my trust is out the window. I trust no one... not fully like I used to because I was tired of constantly getting hurt. However in light of recent events I'm beginning to learn that bottling everything up is beginning to hurt me even more then I can imagine.

I've learned that I'm constantly wanting to escape things because I've strived to be so perfect that when my flaws start showing through I feel horrible, vulnerable and weak. Also... not so healthy as I've come to see.

The only time that all this comes to mind is when I have booze in me. I finally realize that I'm just as naive as the next person, no matter what. Sure I have a one up on a lot of things... but in the end i'm hurting, tired and as weak as they come. I used to be able to admit that to people... but it's been so long since I've said that to someone I've forgotten how to do it.

I miss that one person... I miss what I used to be like... and I miss when life used to be simple.
Because of my choices I've isolated myself beyond belief... and I fear I could die alone because of it... it's all just been an illusion i've devised...

Love Always,
Jamie xoxo

I'm not going to go into some senseless rant to why I haven't written on here recently. Naturally you can assume that I work far too often (but thank God I like my job) and have just had far too much on my mind.

I'm going to be straight forward with whomever may still read this blog.

Things can suck. Things can basically make you feel like the world is going to end and that it's something you're never going to recover from. Now what may you ask got me in such a depressing, nostalgic mood? The movie 'STEPMOM' with Julia Roberts. I've forgotten how much that movie can make you cry. More in particular when you're going through pretty well the same situation (minus an oncoming step-mom of course). So that leads me to the thought that is the second most prominent on my mind.

My Mom.

She's been better. She's getting tired and her soreness has certainly increased. After watching Stepmom I began to realize its now just a matter of time until this battle is over. It could be within a year; it could be several years from now. It's certainly not in my hands that's for sure.

Am I scared? Shitless. Am I worried? Absolutely. But not for my Mom or myself... for Dad. I can get overly emotional and say do you have any idea what it feels like to know your Mother may not make it to your wedding? To see her first grandchild? To grow old along side the man who is her world? Of course you don't... not many people do.

I'm terrified of what each day may bring for our family. I know we'll survive... and I know how Mom feels. It's this constant waiting game that kills me. Every once and a while I get caught by something, be it movie or song or memory and I cannot help but cry. Natural I know... I mean for heaven's sake look what's been going on!

But I just want to say this. Even though things seem shitty, hopeless and miserable. There is still light... there's still life, and its refreshing in some way to know it's out of your hands. I reminded someone that tonight... to just let life take it where it will. Don't fight it, don't stress over it... but embrace what the world throws at you and learn to cope and live. It'll make you a better person. Experience the things you want to at whatever cost. Life's too short as stereotypical as that sounds. Hell, you could die from a brain hemmorage right now.... this very second drop dead. Would you feel satisfied with your life? Would you be pleased with your accomplishments? Could you genuinely say that you lived life to its very best of your ability? Right now? I can earnestly say I haven't. But that all will change in the next year. My ambitions finally won me over and I'm going to do the things I want to... because why mull in regular life and down the road wonder what 'such and such' an experience was like. Live it... do it, love it and everything. Because you just never know...

Love Always,
Jamie xoxo

Wow. It's been nearly a month since I've been on this thing.
It's unfortunate because you would think I would have a lot to share. But alas... I do not.

The renovations of the house are almost done... Mom's doing super.
Janine and Kiley broke up (officially I think) and I'm so so so beyond proud of her.
She'll find someone who loves her unconditionally no exceptions.

Work is going well. Working far too much but still going well.
The girls want to get a tattoo for christmas saying 'Together forever, never apart, maybe in distance but never in heart.'

That'll be sweet.
Um... that and I'm going out to Winnipeg from the 30th until the 3rd of January. SWEET.
Get away from everything for a few days... go party it up with Sean. It'll be good.

Love Always,
Jamie xoxo

Do you ever get that feeling that you're watching your life finally fall into place.
When no matter what adversities come you way, you can watch them fix themselves with grace... merely improving the life you were already living?

I do.
I have and am feeling it right now.

With some Pink Floyd playing in the background, it's very easy to reflect on your life, the things you want, or expected, to those things that caught you off guard, or taught you a valuble lesson. Friends come into your life for either a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have
expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you
with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you
need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an
inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the
relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes
they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need
has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up
has been answered. And now it is time to move on.
Then people come into your life for a SEASON, b ecause your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

So pondering that concept, I was thinking where my friends loyalties lie. The thing that brought me the most shock and intregue was the fine line between a season and lifetime, and how quickly that can flip around both ways. But that's besides the point. It's defining each friendship you have an knowing where they belong, so you can treat them and care about them as such.
Sometimes the outcome can be surprising. Refreshing or rewarding.

As much as I have reason to worry about the backlash from everything going so well... I'm not phased by it. Things are going well and it is about time.
As I said in my last post... besides doing obvious things in my life... I could nearly die happy. I know where I stand on things, where I stand with individuals, what matters to me, what's important to me and where my heart and loyalties belong.

And it finally feels like the weight is lifted off my shoulders.
Horray.

I could almost die happy.

I don't know how sincere it was... but anything is better then nothing.
Honostly?
I'll fall asleep with a smile on my face.

Thank you.
Cuz I missed you.
And I get a new friend along the way.


Love Always,
Jamie xoxo